As my vacation comes to a close, I can’t help but ponder on the good, as well as the bad things that I have encountered on this journey. I guess, there just comes a time in every one’s life, when you finally reach an ending and embark on a new beginning…when you finally have the strength to take off the anchor and start sailing away to a place that may not be your planned destination, but the one that was laid out for you. It can be scary, looking on ahead and not knowing where the wind will take you. Nonetheless, it is also a wonderful experience to take on your fear and move forward.

It’s true that fear is a very heavy feeling that can run so deep. It cripples…it makes you lose your focus…fear makes you fail if you let it win you over. Why do I say these things? Because I was there. I have felt it. I have lived it. I have let fear take the best out of me. I have let myself hit rock bottom before I finally realized the gravity of what it can do to you. I have risked not only my life, but the lives of the people dear to me, just because I was too much of a coward to face my own fears. But I realized that, if you choose, this same fear can also be the driving force for you to press on and lose any uncertainties that you may have. I know, in my heart that fear shouldn’t have a place in your life when you know you have your faith to hold on to. I know it and I believe it. But honestly, being human makes it tricky not to be fearful at times. There are people who judge you if you are fearful…let them. To each his own. They may have their own reasons for passing judgment, it’s their freedom. Don’t go sulking in a corner, blaming and pointing fingers at them just because you felt they have let you down. They didn’t. YOU DID. You let yourself down for believing in people like them. But if it will be of any comfort for you to know, these people have, at one point in their lives, felt the fear that you may be feeling now, and have also felt as broken as you are. We, mortals, are not immune to these kinds of things.

However, there are those who are more considerate, guiding you and holding your hand as they try to drag you out of that dark hole. Now, these are the people you need to keep close, for you know that they have your best interest at heart. They may reprimand you, they may say things you may not really want to hear, but they will never leave you behind. Instead, they will clutch your hands, as firmly as they can, just so they can pick you up when you stumble and fall. And even if you do fall, over and over, they never get tired of picking you up and binding up your wounds…until you are strong enough to stand on your own again. They never count how many times they have helped you, nor put a cut-off date on when you should get well. They’re just simply there for you every single time that you need them, not because they feel obligated to, but because they love you and care for you that much. They know you are worth every second of their lives that they spare trying to get you back on track. Do selfless people like these exist? YES…and I am so blessed to have such people in my life.

Now, as I prepare myself to sail on my own again, I’ll be honest to say that I still do feel scared and small in a very big world. But, I now know how to thread the turbulent waters if I ever come across them again…and knowing that I always have my Savior and my loved ones behind me, I’m confident that I will never sink my ship again. I will not let myself drown. Instead, I will rise above the waves and see the beauty of the world unfold before my very eyes. I know this fear will always be here, somewhere hidden in the deep recesses of my heart…but I will not let it take over what I have right now…Never again.

Having trusted friends who loves you unconditionally, and for you to also be there for them through the good and bad times of your lives...   

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I just got back from the hospital for my follow through check up regarding my PCS episode a few days back. I’m actually a bit cranky as I had to go through blood tests again, that I’m starting to feel they may have discovered a very powerful potion contained in my blood that they need to take it from me every time I go for checkups (could be the missing link in the potion made for eternal youth. Hah!). So there I was, being poked and pricked again by people I don’t really know (but I think we are now developing a nice friendship for seeing each other often…the ladies were quite pleasant, actually), being transferred from one examination room to another, then afterwards, being asked to sit in the waiting area, like a suspect awaiting his verdict. (Now, I remembered why I’m not particularly fond of hospital visits). After a few crying babies being carried away by their mothers and a small number of anxious husbands pacing back and forth in the men’s waiting area for their wives, I was finally called back to my doctor’s office. It still gives me the same feeling each time, like I was about to step out on a very large stage with thousands of people awaiting my performance (yeah, that could be exaggerating it a bit, but it somehow feels like that). As I move towards her, she was smiling at me (which, I suppose, is a good sign), and politely asked me to sit down. Unlike the previous doctor, this one is more approachable and she makes me feel more at ease being in there at that precise moment. She showed me the results of my tests and explained each one carefully, asking me questions if she seems to notice any discomfort. She said my blood tests were normal, though a bit low in hemoglobin; and she also said that my ECG results are quite normal, but my pulse rate, which was 48, was a bit lower than normal and my blood pressure is still a bit high, 130/80. Then she said I was having ectopic heart beats (I’m sorry, WHAT?!?!). I was a little worried, as when I hear the word “ectopic”, I associate it with pregnant women who lose their babies in the process. I think she noticed how anxious I was, and quickly informed me that it’s nothing severe, it’s just that my heart has irregular rhythm, which can occur without obvious cause and most of the time could be benign. Okay, that actually did not reassure me that much. So I asked her what could be causing it. She told me ectopic beats may be caused or made worse by excessive smoking (good I don’t smoke), alcohol consumption (alcohol free as well), caffeine (okay, I have been caffeine free for almost 5 straight days now), certain medications (I’m not taking any at the moment), and some illicit drugs (okay, this is funny. I don’t do drugs). It can also be triggered by strenuous activities (if sitting behind my PC all day at work counts, then maybe I’m guilty of this), causing stress to my body. Anyway, she said I should not worry (so I will try not to), and she gave me medication to calm my skipping heart beat. She gave me Ponstan Forte, so I asked her why, since I know Ponstan is mefenamic acid, which I normally use when I was smaller, every time I have severe toothache. But she said this can also calm my heartbeat, and I need to take it 2x a day, for 7 days, after meals. So, I don’t know if it’s supposed to make me sleepy as well, but I am feeling sleepy now. Anyway, we’ll see again after 7 days. I hope she’s right and this will help. I’ll keep you posted folks…and you’re also free to leave in your comments should you know something about what I’m currently experiencing. Good night for now… Zzzzzz….